Addition to Chapter 39
Letter to Peter
From print pg. 341
I WROTE MY FIRST LETTER to Peter before I went to Los Angeles in September 1998. Note the “Scientologese” I use throughout the letter, the typical way we spoke using Scientology terms. I’ve excerpted the letter here:
August 27, 1998
We have had vias between us for some time now and I think the result of this is neither one of us knowing what the other is really thinking. I’m writing in hopes this gets to you so you receive my comm directly and not through another’s interpretation. First, I want to address my leaving. I feel that what I did and the effect it caused on you is something you will probably feel you cannot ever forgive me for. I am extremely sorry for this.
I thought that the postulate we had made to be together through this lifetime was so strong that it would endure no matter what. We have ridden through many incidents together and have made it go right despite anything. I thought you would stick with me no matter what, even this.
On the last day that you called my mother’s house, which was about 4 days after I left, I was there. I heard your voice on the phone and I desperately wanted to take your call and talk to you. I didn’t because I thought someone else would just get on the phone and I didn’t want to experience what I thought would follow, based on our past experience.
Peter, please look at the fact that situations did exist which acted as a suppressor on our marriage which created problems between us as well as with the Sea Org that we discussed many times but which we never worked out. In retrospect, the many times I confided in you, this just blew in the wind. Had you wanted to help me and us, and handle the situation, you would have helped me by taking action. This was all not-ised, and I was told that you denied me ever talking to you about leaving and all the things we discussed about the Sea Org.
You told your daughter Heather that you and I no longer had the same goals. I don’t believe that is ultimately true. We’ve been an integral part of each other’s lives for 21 years. What we have built has been as individuals together. I think you know deep down that I have always believed in you musically and artistically and have oriented my life around you and supporting you.
I do not want a divorce, and that goes against the promises we made to each other when we got married. I realize there are many influences around you who will take me down and make me look even worse in your eyes because I left. Peter, you know me. Our relationship was unlike any other and you know it. That same potential is still here within us.
I have said this before and I will say it again: when I left, I did not leave you in my heart. I left the Sea Org. You know me and if you allow yourself to look, you will know that is true.
I love you,
Continued on pg. 341: “He didn’t respond before I went to LA…”